"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.
And what can be more obscene than our own imaginations?
Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity- these are strictly confined to
man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace
The thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty persons where
reasoning convinces but one.
That is the way we are made: we don't reason, where we feel; we
It is better to give than receive- especially advice.
It's noble to be good. It's nobler to teach others to be good,
and less trouble.
There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First,
don't smoke to access. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't
marry to excess.
Mark Twain's answer to a would-be writer: "Young Author"- Yes,
Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus
in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you
to a decision about the amount you need to eat- at least not with
certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair
usual averge, I suggest that perhaps a couple of whales would be
all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply
good middling-sized whales.
You ought never to "sass" old people- unless they "sass" you first.
It is wrong to put a sheepskin under your shirt when you know
that you are going to get a licking. It is better to retire swiftly
to a secret place and weep over your bad conduct until the storm
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother,
when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy.
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
It is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He
is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts
his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard
of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path
to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion.
And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter.
I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
We despise all reverences and all the objects of reverence which
are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet,
with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise
and defile the things which are holy to us.
Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
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