"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say
you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been
turned into Dracula.
Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the
door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, batman.'"
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices
and just laugh at people.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at
the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around
and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
is reserved for skeletons."
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show
up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar,
because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new
name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly
Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has
beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again.
Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might
actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil
we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself
in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should
just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so
what, can't we all be brothers?
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at
that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"
and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get
so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more
money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back
to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes
was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I
did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up,
and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip:
why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you
don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect
any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand
your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person
is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your
horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did
they believe me?
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks
of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?"
you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
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