Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam anyway.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Life is just one of those things.
Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
Live teddy bears are best.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
The ultimate reason is "because."
I'm objective; I object to everything.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him.
Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party?
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
It's only a game until you lose.
If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Life is a terminal disease.
Your lucky color has faded.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.
How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
No matter where you go; you're there.
Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Don't take me literally.
Nothing is ever 100%
I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
It's not just reality that matters.
Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true.
Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
Save the whales, collect the whole set.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
90% of everything is crud.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
If all else fails, throw up.
Do we know that life has a cause?
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Fun is just point of view.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
Looking to God for answers is premature.
I like quality, not quantity.
Why should I grow up? This is more fun!
I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.
Reality is all a point of view.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
Speak softly, but carry an M16.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.
Consider yourself hugged.
Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
In theory, everything works.
Life is recursive.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Repetition is always better the second time.
Clever is getting out alive.
Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
Was today really necessary?
Life without bears would be unbearable.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
I've no time to prepare a profound message.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . . I like that in a person.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
It's been Monday all week.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
I'm surrounded by idiots!
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Why be normal?
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
Never trust a nun with a gun.
It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep sh*t.
Never go into a hug off balance.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Cute and interesting are two different things.
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?
IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.
I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
Having a good time can be deadly.
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!
If you can't go first class, charge it.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Be fruit fly and multiple.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying.
If you can't be weird, why be?
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
Gravity always gets me down.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep.
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
You can't be late until you show up.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
I just love nonverbal communication!
If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.
You've gotta' die in creative ways.
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.
Get out of my reality!
If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
When in doubt, use brute force.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Look out! Behind you!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
You know it's a bad day when... ... the sun comes up in the west. ... you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. ... you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ... your income tax refund check bounces. ... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
Any given program, when running, it is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
When it rains, it pours.
The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?
Things get worse under pressure.
Nothing ever goes away.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You can't fall off the floor.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Push something hard enough and it will fall.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Nice guys don't finish nice.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.
The 100% American is 99% an idiot.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of)
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.
If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.
When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.`
The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines.
Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.
New with a K in front is a Canoe.
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted?
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.